Thursday Pitch: 1D Movies

Just look at those faces, their minds are blown

3D movies just don't make sense. The  concept behind them is supposedly that when we watch movies, a dimension has somehow been removed in the transition from real life to the screen. We aren't seeing the image as it was meant to be seen. And by wearing a pair of Bono's extra sunglasses we can somehow restore this missing dimension to its original and intended glory. This, however, poses a few blaring questions.

Most importantly, who the hell is seeing shit in three dimensions?

Your Nana was into some weird stuff

The human eye does basically the same thing a camera does, it receives incoming light and interprets it as images and colors. And much like in movies, what we see as depth is created by differences in size and focus. The truth is we see in two dimensions. Seeing in three dimensions, on the other hand, implies that you could see every angle of something. And no matter how many times you are told otherwise by your grandparents, who claim they did shrooms with Picasso in the 60's, that is just not possible.

All 3D does is exaggerate the existing depth in movies, thereby corrupting the original image. And on top of that, the glasses are uncomfortable, restrictive, and provide you with a darker, low quality image. Yet almost every big movie these days is released in 3D and they continue to make millions. Therefore, in keeping with this line of thought, I have come up with the next big thing. If 3D was revolutionary, then this should make BILLIONS!

1D MOVIES

And all it takes is a pair of these:

Basically spray paint 3D glasses and stab holes in them

Hit the jump for more on this revolutionary new format!

3D does nothing to alter our perception of movies. We still see the film in 2D. So if you want a change, why not go the other direction? Why not do away with that pesky second dimension altogether and give audiences something that will truly change their film-going experience? A 1D world is just as foreign as a 3D world would be. So as more and more people get fed up with the crappy quality of Hollywood's latest gimmick, they would be wise to give 1D a try. But don't take my word for it, just take a look at the results!

The T-Rex chase scene in Jurassic Park seems dated and stale?

Who drives Jeeps anymore?

1D it!

Where's the Jeep?

The Wizard of Oz crew not trippy enough for you?

Wookies and Robots? Seen it!

1D those mofos!

Now that's something your grandma and Picasso could smoke to

Need a little less Jack-O?

1D that face, Lloyd!

"Heeeeeere's Blurry!"

Seriously, this is being made

It practically sells itself! The best part about it is studios wouldn't even need to convert it, just put on a special pair of slit glasses and boom! You've entered a new dimension! And if theaters charge $15 a pop for two hours of dim, fuzzy, headache inducing film, then who's to say we couldn't charge upwards of $20 for something that actually does something to the dimensions of the material? I mean, if someone is paying that much for something that bastardizes the intended format, they are clearly not watching it for the art, and those are just the kind of patsies studio execs daydream about. You know, those guys who greenlit the upcoming Great Gatsby remake, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire.

Oh, and it's in 3D.

That's right, in a years time we'll be seeing one of literature's finest achievements in the dark, blurry form that F. Scott Fitzgerald had intended. If only they printed books in 3D...

A new breed of intelligence

So, come on, Hollywood! Take notes! You've swindled an entire generation of moviegoers into accepting one senseless gimmick, why not another? 1D movies could be the future of civilization as we know it. The next evolutionary step. What prompts the aliens to finally classify us as civilized so they can make contact and accept us into their galactic federation. Because if 3D wasn't it then God knows what is.

Then again, maybe 3D was the unmentioned impetus for Indepenence Day...

On second thought, let's just stick with 2D.